March 8, 2012

Online Dating Bloopers


So whilst on dating sites like OkCupid and Plenty of Fish, I’ve come across some pretty interesting messages. Some of them dare unintelligible, others kind of humorous and then some that were just downright offensive. These are honest to God, unaltered messages I have received from men trying to initiate conversation with me. Obviously I didn’t even so much as respond to any of the ones listed below… and after reading these, I think you will agree that it was with good reason that I just ignored them all together. I’ve compiled the best (worst) ones that I could find for you guys. I call this my Online Dating Bloopers Blog – enjoy!

 

“You such a fun girl to take out on a dare. I loved reading your profile. The interwebz is hilarious I love reading memes and rage comics. My name is ________ btw, nice to meet u and stay classy.”

~Um… I have no comment for this other than the word “dare” and “date” mean two different things. Grammar is key.

 

“Your skinny rawr.”

~Please learn the proper use of “your” and/or “you’re”. Additionally, telling me that I’m skinny is neither a compliment, nor an insult… think of something better to say.

 

“Don’t forget the cheese and peppers xtra napkins and diet 2 liter of coke.”

~Just because it says I work at a pizza place, doesn’t mean you can act like one of my customers… douche.

 

“No this isn’t a pick-up line..but have we met? You look really familiar.”

~Um… this isn’t a pick up line my ass…

 

“Wut if you fill yer brain with life instead of let life kill your brain lol I dont thats my  theory.”

~I’m pretty sure the last time I checked, life doesn’t kill my brain to begin with – but thanks, I’ll keep that in mind…

 

“i jus come see em all day ;)”

~I have no idea what this guy was talking about…

 

“I thought I’d write and congratulate you on being a lunatic’s highest match. 🙂
I just got on this thing to fish (in Beijing. sucks for us!), but I thought I’d torture myself by perusing for women that are mathematically the best I’m going to do, and then counting the kilometers. Anyway I’m curious, am I your highest match? I’m guessing that the way this quiz system works makes it to where I could very well be comparitively low on your list; however, I’m hypothesizing that the peculiarity of my personality probably seeks similarly peculiar people which, were such the case, I would probably rank highly on my top matches’ matchometer. Does that make sense? Let me know if my hypothesis proves true in your case, it’d be really validating and dark. ”

~A lunatic’s highest match? That’s scary enough. Next!

 

“I look for friend w benefit. Not one night, long term trusted partner as long as you want. I’m Japanese, polite, clean, flexible, have technique for pleasing lady a lot.Life is short. Till you find real one, it worth to you. Let’s have coffee or drink first to see how you like me. Hope to hear from you!”

~I look for people who are fluent in English. Additionally, you should look up the term Friends With Benefits.

 

“Hey, Are your legs tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long. They say the economy is not getting any better. I’d like to do my part and take you out to dinner. If not for me then do it for American ;)”

~Cheesiest pick up line EVER. And I don’t even know what to say about the whole “If not for me then do it for American” thing… wow.

 

“Dam! You have a higher than average sex drive than most girls. I bet you only date black guys. I think that’s okay and there’s nothing wrong with that if you do but I do want to let you know I’M BLACK WHERE IT COUNTS! That’s right! What’s up!!”

~WTF is this? Seriously? You have little man’s syndrome and need to learn to shut the hell up.

 

“Hey baby I wanna lay u down and kiss ur whole body. I wanna role play”

~Gross. Major turn off.

 

“I noticed your profile and i thought i offer you an opportunity to have some fun today or at a later date. My name is Jeff. Im 32 5’9 175 pounds very athletic build. I am asking if you would like to do some things together.
(A) come over to my place in el cajon-walk in and watch me stroke
(B) walk in and massage that body and give you a great oral lesson or
(C) join me on skype and watch me.
Hope this makes sense not trying to come off to aggressive but I know what I want, just trying to find it without the lies, games, and drama. If any of this interest you please respond asap.”

~Um… this is pretty gross too.  I can’t imagine this type of message actually landing any guy a chick…

 

“Dam girl ur smiles sweet like candy
I get drunk off it like brandy
Lost for days in ur eyes
Like a haze trying to get by
From a glance of ur smile
Dan girl I dig ur style
Just a thought of a kiss
To me would be bliss
My lips twist just to touch ur lips
My hand on ur hips”

~This guy rhymes like a third grader. I’m not impressed.

 

There are obviously many, many more where this came from… But I just thought I’d give you guys a little taste of what NOT to do while trying the online courtship thing. Good luck out there guys – if you’re anything like these guys above – you’re gonna need it!

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March 5, 2012


After I read this article, a lot of things came together for me. It all makes complete obvious sense. Love is not a feeling; but rather an action. Enjoy!

True Essence

How do you know when you are being loved?

This question came up in a Facebook discussion. There were several different answers to this question but the one constant answer was that love is an action not a feeling. We hear all the time that Love is an action, not a feeling.  We often associate love with how we feel but sometimes that feeling resembles love, which can make things complicated. By the same token love starts with a feeling and evolves into something much more requiring action. Love doesn’t sustain itself. There must be active participation to keep love alive. Love is not based on a condition or contingency; meaning it’s restricted or limited.  To answer the question………..How do you know when you are being loved?

You never really know how much someone loves you. It isn’t a thing that just happens like in a fairy tale. There must be a common bond or a special place in…

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March 2, 2012

Date 9 of 30: The Search Is Over – I Found Him!


Sometimes, you just happen to find exactly whatever it is that you’ve been looking for. Well, I’ve finally found him… and you all actually already know about him, if you read “Date 8 of 30: The Perfect Date“. We had date number two last night and it was every bit as great as I’d hoped it would be!

 

We had started with an unspecified time and ended up offering to pick me up as soon as I had woken up and gotten ready. When he picked me up, I gave him the biggest hug ever – I was really happy to see him and excited for the day we had in store. Being the musician/singer/songwriter/producer that he is, he let me listen to all of his stuff on the way to his house and even sang some of his stuff. Being a singer myself, I thoroughly enjoyed this – it’s like being serenaded. He has an amazing voice! (By the way, you should really check out his stuff – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGlTuqLjEj0 – he’s amazing, you won’t regret the 4 minutes it takes to listen to it, I promise!)

 

Anyways, when we got to his house, he made me the most amazing amazing sandwich – totally organic everything – I never knew that organic could taste SO GOOD! After lunch, it was time to watch “I hope they serve beer in Hell” – which happens to be one of my favorite books, but I had yet to see the movie. Mexican food for dinner at the local taco shop, and then homemade strawberry ice cream for desert, followed by an overnight stay made for a perfect combination of everything.

 

BAZINGA! Big Bang Theory merch!

I’ve never met anyone quite like him in my entire life. We are both intellectual individuals with a passion for knowledge, music, and everything in between. He gets me and understands me – which is truly something (I’m not sure if anyone ever noticed, but my blog’s actual web address is “conundrums wrapped in enigmas” for a reason…). I can be myself around him, without the fear that I’ll say or do something stupid. I’ve always (half jokingly) said that what I need is a Sheldon (from The Big Bang Theory)… well, I think it’s safe to say that I found my Sheldon. But he’s better than Sheldon… he’s sexy as all hell, a complete gentleman, not socially awkward… he’s everything I could possibly want and more.

 

I actually deleted my OkCupid and Plenty Of Fish accounts this morning when I got home. I’m pretty damn sure I won’t be needing them anymore. So needless to say, I think my quest for 30 Dates in 30 Weeks has come to an end – when it’s something real between two  people, it’s something that you feel – without the need to communicate it.

 

This will not be the end of this dating blog, as I will continue my well received surveys such as “We Asked 10 Guys… They Answered” and “We Asked 10 Women… They Answered“, in an attempt to provide insight into the opposite sex and the trials and tribulations of people as they pursue the dating world. However, as for now, my search has come to an end. I feel like I may have found the yin to my yang; the peanut butter to my jelly; the man of my dreams that I’ve been searching for.

 

 

And just a tiny piece of additional information – the day that I started talking to him online, I had actually logged into my OkCupid account to delete it… I’m SO grateful that I didn’t, because otherwise, I would not have found him. Don’t give up on these dating sites, guys… you never know when your perfect match will find you, or visa-versa. Stick with it – you’ll find someone who’s perfect for you!

 

Oh! By the way… Keep your eyes peeled for a blooper blog that I’ll be releasing soon. It has some of the most randomly horrible messages that I’ve received on these dating sites – a great roadmap of the Do’s and Don’ts of the online dating world.

February 28, 2012

Date 8 of 30: The Perfect Date


So its been a minute since I’ve been able to post on here about any dates that I’ve gone on… largely because there have not been any until this evening. But that’s what happens when you get promoted to the General Manager of a store… your time just gets eaten up… the line between being asleep and being awake gets blurred, and what little free time you do get, is usually spent by yourself, in an attempt to relax. But I finally found someone worth making the time for.

 

Image representing OkCupid as depicted in Crun...

I started talking to a pretty damn amazing guy on February 19th on OkCupid (a site that I was literally about to delete my account from).  We chatted for about 8 days before finally getting a chance to talk to each other over the phone. Amazing written conversation carried over to some equally amazing verbal conversation and we decided to finally plan to meet each other.

 

If you’ve been paying any attention to my blogs (specifically the ones about my dating quest), you’ll know by now that I am, by no means, a high maintenance individual. In fact, the more low key the dating environment, the more comfortable and at ease I feel. Today’s date was the perfect combination of everything.

 

Clifton Lido and The Victoria Public House

Originally, when we decided to meet, the plan was karaoke and a dive bar (or somewhere we could play pool and/or shuffleboard). However due to the rain today, we decided to keep it a little more local and hit up Parkway Bowl in El Cajon. The wait for the bowling lanes was going to be over an hour, so we headed to the billiards room. After 3 games of pool (by the way, he won the first, I won the second and then he won by default on the third because I scratched on the 8 ball), a beer and some popcorn, we still had quite a bit of time to kill so we went to get dinner at Coco’s.

Coco's Restaurants Japan 18

 

After dinner, it was back over to the bowling alley for a quick game of pool (which I won, so at the end of the night our competitive gaming score was tied). A quick drive home, a hug and it was a night. Well, almost… we video chatted for about another hour after he got back home.

 

English: The first bowling alley in kabul, Afg...

I have never been on a date where the other person has made me smile the whole time. I’m serious – the WHOLE time. My cheeks hurt from smiling (but in a good way). I also have never felt so simultaneously nervous and comfortable around someone before. It’s definitely a strange combination of feelings to experience. It’s the most awesome feeling to be around someone who understands you right off the bat. He has all of the qualities that I’m currently searching for. He’s right on my level intellect wise, ambitious, intuitive, amazingly attractive, sincere, optimistic, eloquently spoken, educated and does not seem to play “the game” that most guys do.

 

Great activities, great food, great company, great conversation… it really was a PERFECT date.

 

There are definitely more dates in the near future for us… but the question is, when you find someone who has all the qualities you’re looking for and the interest seems mutual, how does one go about making sure that they keep the other without fucking up? Oh well. Can’t focus on things of that nature at the moment. The law of attraction states that positive thinking will yield positive results; with that in mind, it’s time I start thinking about the potential and possibility for more amazing dates with this person.

 

Let’s just say, I can’t wait to talk to him again.

Smiley Face

 

 

 

 

 

February 15, 2012

Dating Rules For Women? Seriously?


This is a post where I would greatly enjoy male feedback in the comments section.

English: ThisCouldBeHUGE.com Logo for online d...

Today while scouring the internet for some benign topic about dating, I came across a post at TopDatingTips.com. It essentially states, “If we accept that dating is a game, then there are rules to that game. There are winners and losers.” They continue on with a list of “rules” that should be applied and followed in order to be successful in the dating world, even online dating. Hmmm.

Although my initial reaction is to retaliate and completely disagree with this whole concept, it seems that it is painfully true. I naturally comply with almost all of the online dating rules and fail miserably at the general dating rules. But when I read the general dating rules, it’s literally written as if you are playing a strategy game. I don’t think I could comply with these rules even if I wanted to! I’m too old for games – If I wanted to play games, I’d play board games with my roommate!

So I’m going to list the “rules” and hope that I get some stellar feedback on here from the male community. Men – have these “rules” ever been employed on you? Does it work? I mean, are you guys really attracted to this kind of thing? Let me know! The suspense is killing me! And if this is true, I’ve definitely been going about things the wrong way…

 

“General Dating Rules”

Book Cover
  • Always look great, whatever your income. Gorgeous hair and some lipstick with rags will still turn his head. You have the advantage. You are the woman. Look your best as you could meet a potential Mr. Right anywhere at any time.
  • Never reveal information you don’t have to. An enigmatic woman drives men wild.
  • Keep dates brief, but your men interested. Less is always more.
  • Try and stay in shape and involve some fitness regime at a gym. However much you hate it, your Mr. Right loves your body as much as your mind.
  • Let your man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab.
  • Ensure you receive flowers. If he doesn’t know what a florist is, dump him.
  • Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything.
  • Always keep a guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a lady’s perogative.
  • Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying.
  • If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday.
  • Weekend shopping trips with girlfriends are sacred and not available for dates.
  • Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly.
  • Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practice on a mirror if you have to.
  • Never ever talk about previous boyfriends, particularly their prowess in the bedroom. Your ex-boyfriends are your business only.
  • Never assume anything about your date until you choose to know him better. You cannot always tell by looking.
  • If any man shows the slightest signs of possessiveness or insecurity, run like the wind. Life is too short for boys.
  • If his shoes or hygiene are a disgrace, dump him.
  • Never talk too much about your father and how your date measures up in comparison.
  • Never ever come across as too available or too desperate. He will run a mile. He is the one doing the chasing.
  • If the guy in the corner is gorgeous, go get him and create the need in him for you. Never wait for men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else.
  • You may well have all the bodily functions of a man, just try not to demonstrate them early on.
  • If you want a child, don’t mention it on the first few dates.
  • Never ever criticize his mother unless you want to remain single.

     

“Online Dating Rules”

The Dating Game
  • Always let them come to you, don’t chase them via email.
  • Block anyone who annoys you instantly.
  • Post the best and most vampish photo you can find.
  • Don’t reply to instant messages with clever opening lines.
  • Remain aloof and let yourself be chased.
  • Always reply to emails at least 3 days after receipt.
  • Never provide your real email or phone details.
  • Always date safely and protect yourself at every turn.
  • Make sure your login name is stunning and sexy, as well as enigmatic.
  • Do not login for hours on end. Short, rapid visits are best.
  • Do not assume the person you are talking to is destitute or sad.
  • Never ever reply to emails on weekends. Wait until a weekday.
  • Never state how good your sexual performance is in your profile.
  • If you don’t want to date married men, spell it out in your profile.
  • A man who doesn’t reply to your email within 3 days should be ignored.
  • Make sure your humor levels come across in text.
  • Do not chat to hundreds of men at once. The delay in replying is a dead giveaway and your Mr. Right will be off.
  • Don’t even think about misrepresenting your size or description. They will find out.
  • Come across as cool and sophisticated for best results
February 6, 2012

I’ve Got A Date, I’ve Got A Date, I’ve Got A Date, Hey-Hey, Hey-Hey!


What is it about first dates that get you all giddy inside? It is an extreme overload of butterflies, anticipation, anxiety and excitement all rolled into one cohesive feeling which makes it almost un-descernable as to what it is that you’re really feeling.

I get messages DAILY from at least 5-10 guys on Plenty of Fish and OkCupid, however, I don’t respond to 99% of them. Can you blame me when all they say is “hi”? That leaves little to no room for conversation, so I simply just won’t respond. A lot of guys find this to be frustrating, but I mean seriously – would you just walk up to a girl in a bar and simply say “hi” and expect something to come of it? Anyways, I digress…

When you finally get a message from someone who is genuinely intriguing, and you hit it off in conversation, there’s generally something about it that makes you smile, even though you have not yet met the other person. It really goes to say something about someone if they can already make you smile, simply through the act of casual conversation online or via text message.

You can usually tell within the first 30 minutes of chatting with someone as to whether or not you want to meet the other individual. Its a comfortable feeling that you get; like “ok, I could meet this person and not feel like I’m going to get murdered…” (ok, so I’m exaggerating slightly on that one, but you catch my drift). If conversation flows through written word, chances are, it is likely to be just as smooth in person.

So this Thursday, is my date with said individual. I’m actually really excited and nervous at the same time. Excited for the normal meet and greet situation, but nervous for what may be in store after our date if we get along… We’re supposed to be going out for dinner (at an undetermined location) and then potentially out for his best friend’s birthday afterwards… Not gonna lie, there’s a little bit of pressure on me to not only make a good impression on him, but his friends as well if I will in fact be meeting them too. Definitely different from any other date I’ve been on.

So much for my hiatus… This will put me right back on track and par for course. I can’t wait until Thursday now!

February 1, 2012

February Means Desperation Day… Oh – And Valentine’s Day Too


Barney Stinson

“Loneliness… the looming specter of Valentine’s Day fast approaching… the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year – February 13th, Desperation Day.

Much like Valentine’s Day itself, desperation day dates back thousands of years; weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death. And right by St. Valentine’s side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids. Every woman wants a date on Valentine’s Day. That neediness reaches its climax on February 13th – a magical night when a 10 has the self-esteem of a 4, and the depraved enthusiasm of a 2.”

~Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother – Season 6: Episode 16~

Barney’s “Desperation Day” is now even defined by Urban Dictionary as “The day before Valentine’s Day on which single people try desperately to find someone to spend Valentine’s Day with. Considered by some men (and women) to be the best time of the year to pick up someone for a one night stand.”

In my opinion, this holiday sounds much better than its romantic counterpart. Sure, we (as women) all like to be in relationships on Valentine’s Day, and go out to nice restaurants, and get flowers, and chocolates, and so on, etc. Even though I believe Valentine’s Day is a greeting card holiday, it’s nice to spend some time with your significant other and do something special together.

But when you’re single, Valentine’s Day is just a big slap in the face. All you see all around you is happy couple, after happy couple, after happy couple (who just got into a fight and broke up). All it does is remind you that you are alone and not as happy as you could be or want to be.

So this year, rather than sitting around moping and wallowing in self-pity at the fact that I am single, I am embracing the greeting card holiday. I will be embarking on a limo bus tour to 3 different wineries with 8 of my closest friends, on February 12th, the day prior to “Desperation Day”. Let the drunken debauchery ensue! Then, I plan to take full advantage of “Desperation Day”… now to just find myself an unsuspecting, willing victim. Finally, on Valentine’s Day, I’m going to do what any other single girl would do: curl up on the couch with some wine and chocolates, armed with a box of tissues while watching cheesy romance flicks (think, The Notebook) with my best friend, as we ponder why on Earth we are still single. I think it’s the perfect mix of alcohol, fun, no-strings-attached sex and romance over a three-day period.

But for my readers who are happily in a relationship, I have also compiled a list of awesome Things To Do On Valentine’s Day, in case you needed any ideas or inspiration.

Or you can always check out The First Date List and see if anything sparks your interest as well.

February 1, 2012

Things To Do On Valentine’s Day


Happy February everyone!

Now for most people, the first thing that comes to mind at the mention of February is the dreaded Valentine’s Day. This can strike fear and panic in anyone – in a relationship or not. If you’re single, you should definitely check out my latest blog, “February Means Desperation Day… Oh – And Valentine’s Day Too“.

But if you are in a relationship, you have a totally different set of worries: what to get your significant other, where to eat out, and the ultimate stress – how much of a dent is this going to put in your bank account? Even if you have all of the above things planned out, if you happen to be the type who procrastinates, reservations are hard to come by on this romantic, greeting card holiday.

But fear not, I have compiled a list of things you can do for Valentine’s Day the break the monotony of a fancy dinner date. These things can be done in lieu of, or in addition to, anything you already have in mind. Some of these ideas are pricey, while others will barely affect your budget – so choose the one that’s best suited for you and your sweetheart.

1. Watch the fireworks at Sea World as you enjoy a bonfire on the beach.

Cost: $0

2. Indoor Go Kart Racing at K1 Speed or Miramar Speed Circuit.

Cost: $23 per person, per race (special deals also available)

http://k1speed.com

http://www.miramarspeedcircuit.com

3. Gondola Ride around Coronado.

Cost: $125 – $175 (price increases closer to Valentine’s Day)

http://www.gondolacompany.com

4. Mini Golf at Boomers.

Cost: $12 per person every Tuesday and Thursday for unlimited arcade games and mini golf

http://www.boomersparks.com

5. Enjoy a champagne Hot Air Balloon Ride over Del Mar as you watch the sun set.

http://www.sandiegoballoonrides.com

Cost: $205 per person

6. Wine Tasting tours.

Cost: $125 and up

http://anothersideofsandiegotours.com/c-69494-wine-tasting-tours.html

7. Horse drawn carriage ride on the waterfront.

Cost: Contact for quote

http://www.carriagesofsandiego.com

8. Relaxing spa day with a tandem massage.

Cost: Varies by location

9. Hike Cedar Falls and swim under the waterfall.

Cost: $0

10. Stay in, make dinner, rent a movie, and cuddle on the couch.

Cost: $0

No matter what you choose do to, try to remember that Valentine’s Day is a greeting card holiday, designed to rob you of your hard-earned money. Instead, focus on the person that you care about – it’s the time spent together on this day that should really be in the spotlight – not how much you spend.

January 28, 2012

The Real Reason Men Love Sex


I continue to find topics to write about that are not just informative for my readers, but they end up being extremely insightful to myself as well. An article I just came across simply began with “You already think you know why men love sex, don’t you?”. Naturally, the first thing that popped into my head was: “Because it feels good…?” The author had determined that most women would automatically answer with something along the lines of: “Because they’re horny, rutting pigs”.

To my surprise, there is a deeper underlying reason as to why men love sex…

“It’s true, sometimes [they] just want you naked on the kitchen table for the sheer fun of it, and sometimes [they’re] so turned on by you that the “ending” is [their] ultimate goal, but that is not why [they] love the act of having sex or why [they] always seem to be trying to get into [our] pants.

[Men] want something much more important than a great orgasm when [they] have sex, although a great orgasm is always a nice bonus.

The reality is that [their] emotional needs get met when [they] please [us].

Men love sex because it makes [them] feel like men.

When [they] see [their] woman lying on the bed shaking, exhausted, and completely fulfilled, [they] have all the assurance [they] need in life about [their] worth and abilities.

There’s not much this feeling can’t solve for [them].

  • Stress from [their] boss
  • Money issues
  • Family discord
  • An upcoming deadline
  • A painful past

…are all pretty much dissolved when [we] are screaming [their] name and losing [our] capacity for lucid speech.

Why else would [they] always try to convince [us] to come to bed with [them] when [we’re] stressed? It works for [them]!”

Apparently, women are men’s “best form of therapy” and we have “the ability to remove stress, make [men] feel invincible, and bring about [their] happiness without having to leave the house or spend a dime”. The author goes on to say that there are men out there “that need [our] emotional support.”

You can read the full article and more here: http://humansarestoopid.com/mistakes-women-make-why-men-love-sex/

 

 

January 26, 2012

One Man’s Rants About Women


So I came along a profile on Plenty of Fish and found this little gem. This is seriously what the guy had written on his profile – no editing (so please don’t yell at me for any spelling or punctuation errors). Enjoy, and ladies – make sure not to be this girl…

“Girls Piss Me Off…

I swear that if I wasn’t sexually attracted to girls that I’d be gay. At least guys make sense most the time.

First off, girls just talk way too much. When you’re with your other girlfriends, go ahead and talk about whatever you want. I don’t care. But why exactly do you think that I care about the kind of day that your sisters co-workers dog had? Your sister is nice enough, but I don’t know her co-worker and I certainly don’t know her dog. So why are you telling me this story? If you have something worth talking about, then I can enjoy engaging you in a meaningful conversation. But before you start talking to me about some of the insane frivolous ish that you talk to your girlfriends about, first ask yourself “Does this have a point?”. Because if it doesn’t I’m just going to smile, and nod, and zone out and you’ll get mad because I’m not listening to your irrelevant day.

Stop over complicating everything. There isn’t an ulterior motive or hidden meaning in every other sentence. Unless, I suppose, it’s coming out of the mouth of another woman. Because you ladies never can seem to say what you actually mean. You have this weird secret code that you love to try and crack and expect us guys to be able to get in on your game. Guys aren’t like that. Rarely rarely RARELY will you ever have to figure out what a guy is actually saying. We say what we mean. Girls have such a skewed sense of logic that this simple concept is often lost on them. When you go searching for some deeper meaning that isn’t there, you’re just committing to an act of futility. In the end you wind up making up some bullsh*t and believing that it must be true and acting on that false reality and making a mess of something for no apparent reason other than the fact that you’re in-*******-sane.

Stop getting upset at guys for trying to help solve your problems. That’s what guys do. You present us with a problem, we’re going to try and fix it. It’s in our nature. I know it’s in your nature to want to talk about everything, but if you’re going to bring up your problems to a guy, expect that he’s going to try and do something about it or give you advice. Women always speak of guys that don’t listen. It’s not that we don’t listen, we just don’t understand why you’re bringing up your problems if you don’t want us to assist. We’re not as empathetic as your girlfriends, so if you want empathy, go to them. Likewise, if guys have a problem, they’ll probably only bring it up if they need help or advice. Many women will complain that guys don’t talk enough. It’s not that guys don’t talk, it’s just that your empathy doesn’t help solve our problems when we do talk.

One of the most insanely frustrating things about women is the constant reassurance. No, you’re not fat. If you were fat you wouldn’t be able to fit into that size 2 dress. And yes, you look good. Guys wouldn’t be giving you free sh*t if you were ugly. (There’s an ulterior ****ing motive for you. Hint: They’re not giving you free stuff just to be sweet.) It’s so frustrating having to constantly answer those questions, only to not be believed. It’s like trying to convince someone that the sky is blue. You’re not blind, you’re not even color blind. You can see that the sky is blue. Yet you continue to ask what color the sky is. I tell you it’s blue. I know that you know what color blue is. And even though I’ve told you that the sky is blue about fifty-million times, you still have to ask because…I don’t know…maybe it’s not blue today. The sky is blue! You’re not fat! You’re not ugly! You know it, I know it, everyone knows it!

And to all you ultra-hot girls that **** about the most retarded things. Yeah, all men are pigs because they stare at your boobs. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you’re wearing a skin tight low cut shirt that has ‘Bebe’ printed across your boobs… one ‘Be’ per boob. It’s totally unfair that you have to put up with guys staring at you all the time just because you like to look sexy. And boo hoo, it’s so hard for you to meet a nice guy. Well actually it isn’t, because the shoulder your crying on belongs to a nice guy. He’s the one that puts up with all your stupid shit. And yet you some how end up with all the ***holes. I’m sure that it has nothing to do with the fact that you’re holding out for a six foot tall alpha-male fire fighter with a trust fund.

And finally, yay for you. You sold a freezer to some eskimos. Congratulations on being the hot sales rep. We’re all very proud of you for being able to have a nice ass while the rest of us actually have to work for a living. And we’re all so excited to see your new diamond jewelry. Your ability to date another rich ****tard that will shower you with expensive bobbles is commendable. And I’ll be so surprised and sorry for you when he dumps you for the next hot girl. Because I really thought that materialistic trophy bagger was in love with you. But I’m happy to hear that you wrecked your fifth car while multi-tasking between your cell phone and doing your make up in the mirror. Your dedication to enforcing the stereotype of women drivers is nothing short of awe inspiring. And you’re right, I was being a shallow douchebag when I commented on the hotness of Eva Longoria. So lets go see that movie where Johnny Depp makes out with Orlando Bloom on Brad Pitts abs. I know you’ve been dying to see that one.

Girls… you piss me off.

You do stupid ish and manage to get away with it.

You quite possibly may be the most annoying idiots in the world. Your sense of logic and common sense seems to be a rare gift rather than a common trait.

And yet, I’m still uncontrollably attracted to you.

And that’s quite possibly the most frustrating thing of all.”

 

Wow. Tell me how you really feel towards girls…

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